Another Moment with Lyla 06/07

The first full day home was pretty hard. I have really just been feeling exhausted and tired, accompanied with bouts of tears and sadness. The funeral home that Lyla had been taken to called this afternoon and needed us to sign some authorization papers. They asked for a fax number which we don't have, so they asked for our email, but then realized we don't have a printer hooked up, so we ended up having to drive to the funeral home to sign the papers. I am so glad that we had to do that, because it felt nice knowing where she was, and knowing that we were once again, where she was.

With tears already down my cheeks, we signed the papers. I have learned now, that I need to just not wear makeup for the next few days and weeks because it never fails to end up all over my face, and is completely non existant by the time the end of the day comes. I'm not sure how long this will last...going from okay to tears in a matter of seconds, but from what I hear, it's like this for awhile. 

Me and Adam debated multiple times on whether we wanted to see her again or not. We had already said our goodbyes, and were somewhat fearful what it would be like to see her again...later... and possibly not like what we see and have our last memory of her be overwhelmingly sad. We wanted to remember her as she was right when she was born with all the beauty she held when we met her. But something was telling me that I needed to see her. There was no going back and I didn't want to regret not taking our last chance to see her. Adam asked the funeral director if it would be okay to see her and what he would advise after seeing her himself. He went back to take a look at her, and when he came back and said that he thought it would be fine and that she looked most likely just as we saw her earlier, I was elated. 

We walked into the back room where he tore back the linen cloth to reveal our precious girl. She was more beautiful than ever. Her sweet body was laying just as she always did in my womb and looked so peaceful and lady-like. We completely moved the blanket off of her, revealing her whole perfect body and just marveled at how pretty she was. She was our girl. Our daughter. Her face held an expression of sweetness and happiness, and we got to see her little waist which we hadn't examined before. The hospital bracelet that they usually put around newborn's ankles, was around her small waist like a belt... so cute! And we got to see all the little details of her chest and teeny ribcage. That image of her will forever be ingrained in my mind and I am so thankful for it. I will never forget the softness of her skin and hair and all the details of every part of her body. I was able to remember so much more from seeing her today than I would have if I had only seen her while at the hospital. Thank you God for sending us back there because seeing her again was what I really needed. They had warned us before about how the baby's image could change with everyday that passes, and it is so comforting to know that she didn't. That is how perfect and wonderful she is. She can't even not look cute!
Honestly, I began to sob and cry more passionately than I ever believe I have. My heart was truly aching. I did not want to leave her. I wanted to hold her and touch her forever. I could not stop telling her how beautiful she was and how much I loved her. Whether I was saying these things out loud, in whispers, or to myself, I don't know. It may have been a combination of all three. I could not bring myself to stop talking to her and touching her as I wept. The reason it hurts so much to separate, is because our souls are connected.
The time came for us to gather our things and go. Being completely overtaken by my grief and love for her, I cried. I cried the kind of cries that truly make you lose your breath and gasp for air. My amazing husband who has been incredibly supportive and so strong through all of this continued to amaze me as I pulled myself together  He is so loving and kind and I am so lucky to have him with me on this journey.

On the ride home, me and Adam replayed all the details of her and expressed how deep our love was for our little girl. I am overflowed with love and praise for my King who blessed me with such a special daughter and who is now taking care of her. The image of her being in heaven with Jesus engulfs me with happiness and I am completely elated for her. I am looking forward to heaven even more now. I can't even begin to imagine how amazing it will be to see Jesus and ask Him, "where is she?" It overwhelms me. My sweet girl will not return to me. But I will go to her. 

I can see a light, that is coming, for the heart that holds on

There will be an end, to these troubles, but until that day comes

Still I will praise you Lord, still I will praise you Lord.

-Jeremy Camp 

 Photo by Greg Olsen