Hopefulness 03/24

During my fabulous shopping trip I felt great. I felt encouraged and inspired and she was moving ALL day long. More than I had ever felt her before. I felt hopeful. I was actually looking through PBkids at bedding and imagining her nursery and smiling. I wasn't thinking at all that she wouldn't be here... I was imagining her coming like everything was going to be fine. Her movement throughout the day gave me encouragement and the whole day was filled with smiles and laughter and happiness. I was pointing out how cute this little girl comforter set was with the bows tied on the ends and right when I said that she gave me a big kick, like she was saying "agreed! that is way cute mommy!" I loved that.

Later that night as I was falling asleep I started feeling weird. I don't know how to describe it but finally it was like everything hit me again. I wondered if I had been in denial all day about the reality of our situation and I felt sick to my stomach. I don't think so, because I am very much prepared for her leaving us. That's why I picked her outfit, got the keepsake box and have been searching for urns on the internet. I'm not in denial at all, but I've come to the realization that this is how it is going to be until she comes. I'm pregnant with a little girl who gives me reminders of her presence everyday, yet the doctors have given her a diagnosis that's incompatible with life. I'm struggling with having to prepare for her death while also being happy and enjoying her now. There's a constant struggle between the two because we literally are in an in-limbo situation until she arrives. The happy, encouraging bursts I get of hopefulness are what's getting me through these coming months and I am so thankful for them.

Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.   Isaiah 40.31